My Favorite Books of 2020

Okay, guys....we're finally almost done with 2020. So close!

And while I have a lot of grievances with this year, my reading experience is not one of them. I had a definite lull at the start of quarantine - I couldn't shut my mind down enough to get lost in any one else's story. The world just seemed so dangerous and unknown at the time - nothing else mattered.

But despite that, I beat my personal record for books read in a year. I'm a little bummed I didn't make it to 100 (darn you, quarantine lull!) because that's a personal goal of mine...but there's always next year!

I also expanded my reading horizons. Mostly thanks to Book of the Month (how did I ever live without it?) and a friend with a similar voracious love of books. So some of my favorites for the year are typical (love love a good romance), but there were some surprises, too. 

So here's what blew my socks off this year. (In no particular order.)

In a Holidaze by Christina Lauren
I just said that these were in no order, but this may be my favorite. I can't even explain why? There's just something about this particular love story...all wrapped up in Christmas and a little bit of the supernatural. *Chef's kiss!* I first read this book as an e-arc through NetGalley over the summer, and loved it so much that I bought a BOTM copy when it was the top choice in December. I've never purchased a book that I'd already read...I feel like I've crossed an obsessive line, haha. I re-read it a few weeks ago and it was just as good as the first time. Love love love it, and I recommend it constantly. (See my original review here.)

Anxious People by Fredrik Backman
Sigh, Fredrik Backman! This man understands life. He GETS how beautiful even the ugly and hard parts are. And not only that, he is skilled at articulating his understanding. He has a gift, truly. This was such a great book in so many ways. It was full of complicated relationships and mistakes, but it also had humor and heartwarming interactions. It was his most quickly-moving book, too. His books normally take a while to digest, but this was such a smooth-flowing treat. I adored it. (So did Matt! I had him read it and he said it was one of his top 2 of the year!)

The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V.E. Schwab
This book was the biggest departure from my usual preferences....but something was urging me make this my BOTM pick in October. I'm so glad I did! The first half of the book moved slowly - full of an abundance of details and names set in the 1700's. It required a lot of attention and patience. However, as Addie's life took a new path in modern day America and we got to see her working towards the resolution to her predicaments, I was hooked. Invested. Enthralled. Even through the slower parts, this book was gorgeous - both in craft and story. It was a whole experience, and you should definitely add this to your list in 2021 if you didn't get to it this year. (See my original review here.)

Beach Read by Emily Henry
Another BOTM pick! So are the three above. I think that means that Book of the Month knows what they are doing! This one had such an adorable premise - dueling writers, a hate to love scenario, reinvention of lives, and an indulgent romance. Though I wish it had actually been a little bit more beachy than it turned out to be, I enjoyed this book SO much. (See my original review here.)

World of Wonders by Aimee Nezhukumatathil
This is a gorgeous book. I might be a little biased, as the writer has spent many of her years in my area so she feels like a bit of a hometown hero, but this was so well done! It's part memoir, part nature-based non-fiction, part poetry, and all beautiful. I adored it. Reading it was a whole vibe. (See my original review here.)

My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She's Sorry by Fredrik Backman
Backman, my man! That's almost enough to explain why it was a favorite. Again, it's his ability to capture the human condition with beautiful words and his talent for putting his characters into unique, evolving situations that made this a favorite for me. It moves a bit slow (as I feel some of his other books have as well), but it's so beautiful and well-done that I didn't mind. I cried. It was gorgeous. (See my original review here.)

You Were There Too by Colleen Oakley
This one is harder for me to recap because I read it allllll the way at the start of 2020 - in another world. One without a pandemic and endless repetitive days conducive to reading. My perception of...well, everything...has changed so much since then that it's hard to even remember my mind back in January. I know that I adored the mixture of the supernatural dream world mixed with the longing and love tied up in all of these characters, and I was totally gutted by how this book ended. (It's coming back to me now...ah, the hurt! The adoration!) This book rides a rollercoaster of emotion and leaves you wanting to know how, why, when, and why again. I loved it. (See my original review here.)

Becoming by Michelle Obama
This one was a favorite less because of the content (though it was very interesting and informative) but more because of the gorgeous way Michelle Obama writes. She tells a story with grace and poise and beauty with little bits of humor woven in - the same way she presents herself in life. Reading this book was calming and comforting in an unexpected way, and for a while gave me an intentional and flowing lens with which to see my own daily life. It's so well done. Listening to her, whether through the written word or a televised speech, is always a treat. (See my original review here.)

Matt asked me to name my very favorite book from this list and I couldn't. Best I could do was top 4, and I'll leave you to guess which four those are. ;)

SO - did you read any of these and love them too? What were your favorite reads of the year? Let me know so I can check them out while I'm building my 2021 list! 

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What I Read in October

I am a seasonal mood reader to the max, so I love to pick a mixture of spooky(ish), atmospheric fall, and interesting fantasy books for October. Some of them didn't fit the bill this year, but that's fine, too. There's no rules here, only a Virgo-inspired neurosis. 

So here's what I enjoyed this October:

Eliza and Her Monsters by Francesca Zappia (4 stars)
I'd heard so much about this book over the years, and while it wasn't Halloween-ish in the least the whole "monsters" thing felt like a fitting start to October and I was anxious to read it. I loved the mixture of Eliza's real-life story mixed with the fictional internet comic story she writes. It was sad at times - complicated, full of real life themes, and just as her fictional story reveals itself to be about depression at its core, Eliza's story is, too. It's done beautifully and artistically (albeit with a couple of hang ups that bothered me - like when Wallace guilts her choices for his own personal gain). It was both playful and serious, sad and triumphant, and overall a quick and satisfying read. Definitely check it out!

How I Resist - Anthology, Edited by Maureen Johnson (4 stars)
This is a really great anthology of articles from writers, actors, influencers, and social activists of all kinds focusing on the topics of social issues, racism, and politics. It was written with young adult readers in mind, but that's really only evident in the opening piece. It's a great resource for any age! Each entry is done in the unique style and voice of its author - some reading like poems or interviews, others that read like a journal entry - even a song or two. There is so much to chew on in this book, and 2020 was a great year to digest it.

Invisible Ghosts by Robyn Schneider (4 stars)
I often find heavily discounted books through Book Outlet or other sales, and I never really have high expectations for them. Enough to want to read them, but I try to read them with a different lens. There's a reason they're so cheap, right? But every now and then...one of them surprises me. This was one of those books. It had a supernatural element to it (one that was at times, a little cheesy), but it was full of real world struggles and the angst of unrequited love and unfinished business, and I loved it. These characters stuck with me. Rose has a secret - her brother, who passed away after a tragic accident, is her constant companion...as a ghost. Through the book, she juggles her relationship with her dead brother, her school commitments, chasing her own dreams, and rekindling a relationship with her childhood best friend. It's a great story, I loved it!

Undead Girl Gang by Lily Anderson (3 stars)
This was a really fun, perfectly Halloween-ish book. There's witchcraft, there's undead teenagers, and there's Mila - being a regular teenager while also mourning the loss of her best friend and her confusing feelings over the witchcraft she'd been practicing. I liked the story a lot, but there were some parts that I just could not get over. This is going to make me sound super crazy pants, but I literally deducted a star for a specific detail. A detail I could not believe went unmentioned in all the GoodReads reviews I saw! Mila and her friends cast a spell that causes someone to grow actual mushrooms on their body. The imagery of this was TOO well done. I was so so disturbed by it that my skin was crawling through most of this book, and I could not get it out of my head! So, kudos to the author for that, but...gross. I can't. If you don't want that living rent free in your head, don't read this one.

Gumption by Nick Offerman (4 stars)
So I picked this one on a whim with an Audible deal and I'm SO glad I did! I love Nick Offerman, so it was going to be good regardless. But I actually learned things about some major players in our country, and I did so while laughing (and adoring) the humorous way he presented their stories. This was so, so good. He has a voice and a vision that crosses the aisle while remaining true to his values at the same time. Such a great read, and if you can listen to the audiobook - do. It's great to hear his voice sharing these stories and delivering his own humor the way only he could.

The Bromance Book Club by Lyssa Kay Adams (4 stars)
This was a super enjoyable, satisfying story. It opens as a marriage (between Gavin and Thea) is on the rocks, and follows them through putting the pieces back together. Gavin facilitates this by joining a book club with his professional baseball playing teammates and reading romance books that help him patch up the holes in his relationship with Thea. It's heartwarming and cute, and yes....pretty dirty. Loved it.

Melania and Me by Stephanie Winston Wolkoff (3 stars)
I listened to this one just because I could - my mom had the audiobook and I was curious. Nothing in it was shocking - in the way that I wouldn't have expected anything else. It was interesting and enlightening in some ways, though - and I felt a lot of sympathy for the author. How you feel about this one is going to depend on your affiliations and morals, of course, so I'll just say that if you're interested in it, it's worth the read.

The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V.E. Schwab (4 stars)
Man. As time has gone on and I look back on this one, I wonder if I should up my rating. It's only sitting at a 4 currently because the first half of the book is sloooow. Full of details and a slow crawl through years and decades in European countries, centuries before our time. However, once you start dabbling in the modern day part of the story, it gets good. Not just good - incredible. This story is SO. GOOD. The main character, Addie is immortal. On the day of her arranged marriage, she makes a bargain with the devil (or someone akin to the devil) that gives her both freedom and immortality. In exchange, no one remembers her. And so, in an instant, her parents and neighbors have no clue who she is, and she has nowhere to go. We then follow her as she navigates her lack of home and identity - her only relationship with that of the dark god who granted her wish, usually on the anniversary of her deal. One day, though, she meets someone who remembers her face, and eventually her name. What ensues is beautiful and heartbreaking and gorgeous and incredible and so many other things! I can't describe it in any way that will do it justice. It's just, incredible. Read it read it read it!

Nothing Like I Imagined by Mindy Kaling (4 stars)
I loved this little series of audiobooks! I love Mindy Kaling. I love hearing her stories, and also believing in my heart of hearts that her children are also BJ Novak's and that they are secretly a family and not just BFFs. There was nothing particularly profound here - they were just funny, and witty, and entertaining, and so so easy to relate to - even without being a part of Hollywood. She's the real real, ya know? They're quick and adorable, and definitely worth a listen.

Aside from some super disturbing flesh mushrooms (shudder) October was a great book month. More soon!

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Christmas Evening Wishes.

Merry Christmas to you.

What a weird one. It was Christmas, but it also wasn't. For the obvious reasons. But I think it was also due to the fact that I've carried a bizarre mixture of relief, comfort, and sadness through this whole season. Relief that we're all safe and healthy. Comfortable at home. Sad, sad, sad over all we've missed and all this world has lost since last Christmas. Sigh.

We are the lucky ones. We're doing fine. We don't have to risk our lives on a daily basis. My whole family had gifts under the tree and stuffed in their stockings, and festive cookies on their counters. And yet....there were big, hug-shaped, glass-clinking, plate-sharing holes riddled throughout our December. We watched all the right movies and carried on all of our usual traditions and yet - and yet. It hurts.

We woke up to a white Christmas and a glowing sky this morning. The boys and I have been wishing and hoping for weeks, and were gifted with a picture perfect Christmas morning scene. There's a storm brewing over Lake Erie as we speak that promises many more inches, and as we await a winter fury, we are content in our new slippers and pajamas - armed with hot cocoa bombs and the ingredients for a big pot of soup. Books and puzzles await. We are safe, we are loved, we are lucky. 

Sigh, but this sadness.

Not just sadness, but the guilt I have over it. We had all the same things we usually do. I saw all the same faces. Most of them I only saw through a screen, but I saw them. We exchanged gifts at the times we usually would have (just not in the same room). We wished each other well with our own voices and smiles (though without hugs to go with it). I'm not even an extrovert! I'm certainly not a hugger. And yet, and yet, and yet.

I am usually exhausted by business-as-usual life. I've found a lot of rest and power in quarantine. But as this year has unfolded, I've felt an increasingly sharper sting over not sharing an energetic field with the major players in my life. (The ones that live outside of my home, anyway.) And I have certainly, certainly gained an appreciation for their importance in my story. My soul is missing theirs - more than I ever thought it could.

So I'm sitting here with absolutely everything I need, and most of what I want. Everything. Even with a storm brewing outside my window and a pandemic floating through my community. But it's Christmas, and my heart is missing something.

Over the last six weeks (because, you know, Christmas is in our veins) I've wondered why I couldn't be bothered to record more of our holiday. I still took videos with my big camera - snippets of our humble Christmasing that will soon be compiled into a long, annual family video. But the rest of it? I didn't post on Instagram. Stories were rare. I shared nothing on Facebook. And it's not that I have to - it's that I've always enjoyed it. I still loved our celebrations this year. I just didn't feel like sharing. But why?

Because I'm out of practice? Because without the holiday shopping trips and exhausting class parties it never really felt like the Christmas season came? Because without people to physically spend time with in person, the ones on the internet feel less real, too? I don't know. And I'd keep telling myself, "you're going to regret not documenting this!" I still just couldn't. 

Maybe it's all those reasons, or even something I'm not thinking of. All I know is - whatever I've been able to get through and roll with and handle since March apparently does not apply to Christmas.

I'm not even upset, or wanting for anything. There's just this underlying, vibrational lack. And as safe and comfortable and beautiful as it's all been, I hope that by next year, I can remember what it feels like to just be with other beings again. To share on a grander scale. And I wish that for all of you, too.

Love to you all. xo

Friday Favorites - December

It's been such a long time since I've done one of these posts. In fact, I haven't ever shared a Friday Favorites on this blog. But I've found that I miss documenting this sort of thing to look back on later - the little things that make me smile, or make an ordinary day feel a little more worth it.

Blogging has always been a little bit of a virtual scrapbook for me, and these are my favorite things to look back on. So here's some of the things that have been my favorite, lately.

   

Apensons Bracelets
I found a great little Etsy shop this fall and I've been wearing their bracelets ever since! They're so cute, some hilarious, and all are super affordable. I wore the Vote bracelet every day leading up to the election, and the "46" and "I'm speaking" bracelets every day since. They make me happy!!

Chestnut Praline Lattes
I've been a peppermint mocha girl for as long as I can remember, and I still am some days. However, I finally tried the Chestnut Praline Latte and I'm obsessed with it! I've had a few of them this month (I get them with only 2 pumps of syrup) and I enjoy them so, so much.

Bad Christmas Movies
I have two new-to-me streaming services currently: FrndlyTV and Hulu. The first is just super affordable and very focused on the Hallmark channels (though my middle son often asks to use it to watch the Weather Channel because weirdly, none of our other streaming services carry it). The second I've wanted for a long time and finally took advantage of a Black Friday deal. They are both full to the brim with ultra-cheesy, sometimes unbelievable stories about Christmas romances and I cannnoooot get enough of them.

Embroidery
I taught myself embroidery years ago, but mostly put it aside for whatever reason. Not because I didn't like it anymore, but because my hobbies change with the wind. I needed something to do during my youngest son's zoom calls, though, and it needed to be something that still allowed me to hear the instructions for the rest of his school day. So I found a stitch a long project through French Mango (the autumn one) and I had SO much fun getting back into embroidery. I've been working on her winter pattern lately, as well as some other little project and I'm so happy that stitching is back in my life!

Positions
Look...I know I'm too old for Ariana Grande, but that's not going to stop me. I love her exact brand of music. Poppy, but just the right amount of angst and badass feminism. Sign, Me, Up. Her album came out the day before Halloween, and I remember waking up at like 4:30 after a bad dream, unable to get back to sleep. I thought, well I guess that means I should get up and listen! I ended up doing a Halloween puzzle at the kitchen table with the lights dimmed low, quietly listening through all of her new songs, and that morning is now one of my favorite recent memories. I blasted "Just Like Magic" to keep my mood high during election week, and all of the songs on this album take turns being my new favorite. I still can't get enough of it!

Mint m&m's
It's not Christmas to me without mint m&m's. I need a little dish of them while I'm wrapping presents. I need to pop a few in my mouth after dinner each night. It has to happen! Normally I toss a bag into every shopping cart I push through the season...now I add a bag to all of our grocery deliveries. I refuse to run out!! 

All the Twinkle Lights
Basic white girl, I know, but I can't get enough of all the chill, soft, mood lighting. I love it. I fill my house with as many as I can manage this time of year and ban the use of lamps. Twinkle lights for life!

I'm linking up with Friday Favorites today! Find it here or here.
Happy last weekend before Christmas!

I might be an asshole. (But I'm okay with it.)

The other night, I found myself nostalgic and looking through the hashtag I'd made for my youngest baby on Instagram. I looked at all of his little chubby smiles and watched his sweet coo-y videos, feeling sad that I'll never again get to feel the way it feels to be loved by the innocent devotion of your own infant.

At bedtime, I gave each of my boys an extra kiss and looked at their faces a little bit longer. When I got to my oldest he declared, "I want to do something nice for you because of everything you do for Christmas. I'm going to make you breakfast in bed tomorrow!"

Luke is "in on it" when it comes to Christmas, if you know what I mean. He's also the most tender hearted person I've ever met, so his desire to do something sweet for me, presumably as a thank you gesture, was very adorable and well-intentioned, but perhaps bad timing. School mornings start with a quiet ritual of books and caffeine, followed by the chaos of dragging his unwilling, unexcited elementary aged little brothers through their day. There really isn't a good time for me to enjoy said breakfast in bed.

"That's very sweet of you," I responded. "But do you think you could move it to Saturday? That way I can really enjoy it without having to rush to working with your brothers, and I like to wake up and have my coffee alone on school mornings."

I'm not sure he fully grasps how important my quiet, ALONE coffee is to me in the mornings.

He kind of complained a little about how he wanted to get up early and for me to sleep in and relax. I reminded him that doing so on a school day will only make the school day harder. He persisted, but so did I, and I was under the impression that I'd finally convinced him to wait for the weekend by the time I left his room.

The next morning, I woke up to the sound of his excited voice in the kitchen - chatting away with his Dad about my morning coffee. It was 6am. Sighhhh.

A short time later, he came into my room and said, "I got your coffee! It's in the microwave so it doesn't get cold." Clearly, that meant I was on a timer and I popped out of bed, smoothed the blankets, and went off to brush my teeth. By the time I made it to my coffee and swirled in some creamer, it was already lukewarm.

And, because I'm a neurotic weirdo, I was perhaps unreasonably frustrated that he'd chosen a mug I'd never, ever choose for myself. 

I sat down in front of the fire (which, is not at all a fire, and actually just an electric heater with a fake fire animation built in, but that's the best we could do in this house right now), and attempted to enjoy my coffee. I lifted the awkward, foreign mug to my lips and sipped tepid coffee. Once. Twice. By the third I couldn't take it anymore. I'd tried to swallow my thoughts with my caffeine, but I finally felt so invaded - so inexplicably twitchy and impressed upon that I couldn't hold it in anymore. It didn't help that my usual dark, still, quiet morning was infiltrated by an 11 year old's constant chatter about video games, and his voice carried to his brothers' room and caused them to rise well before their usual wake time.

I stalked off to the kitchen to make a new pot of hot coffee and I returned to address Luke.

"Hey Luke, next time don't pour the coffee from the pot until I'm ready to drink it, okay? I appreciate you trying to do something nice for me, but it starts to cool off the second it leaves the pot."

"Oh...okay," he said dejectedly.

Oof. I hate making him feel bad, especially when he was attempting to be sweet. Was I an asshole? Should I have suffered through my unsatisfactory coffee and given up my quiet, peaceful morning to accept a gesture that....I didn't really want?

Maybe. But it's also true that I specifically asked him to postpone his gesture for a time when I could graciously accept it - when I was physically and mentally prepared to revel in it and appreciate it, and he ignored my request. My quiet mornings are imperative to my mental health during our virtual school days (and spoiler alert: this was the start of a very long, frustrating, and upsetting day.)

I vented about the morning to a few of my closest people - mostly because I felt as guilty as I did invaded - and one of my friends made a point about teaching young boys about boundaries. How they shouldn't get a free-for-all pass just because they were being sweet. Being sweet is not a permission slip to cross boundaries and ignore someone's wishes. A lesson that becomes even more important as they grow older and partner up. It was therapy through osmosis - her newly learned lessons being passed on in a new context, making clear why I felt so invaded and off-put by his kind gesture.  

And it was then that I realized what a strange and vital position I'm in right now.

I was raised in the 80's and 90's - where things were certainly changing, and sometimes extreme, but us girls were still largely groomed to be small and quiet and gracious. There were times as a child when I was chastised for not being "ladylike" enough. (Not by my parents, but the generation before them.) I went to a Catholic school with stuffy uniforms and stringent guidelines. I was trained to placate boys and men - to be gracious for their advances (or be called a vulgar name), to not dress too provocatively (or be blamed for their lack of control), to make myself small and unassuming in their presence (so as not to bruise their fragile egos). And even though Luke is my son and I'm in control here, my default reaction to his sweet though intrusive and inconvenient gesture was to smile and deal. But what is that teaching him about women?

See, he's on the right track. He knows now what Christmas costs me and wanted to let me know how he appreciates it, but he hasn't learned the fineses of human interaction. And that's okay! He's 11. He's taken cues from his Dad - who steps in when I'm overwhelmed, who throws flowers on the weekly grocery order when he knows I've had a rough week, who can tell I'm feeling down and offers to rub my feet. His heart is in the right place. But he didn't respect my request to reschedule his gesture or my reasons for why I wanted him to. And it's important that he learns that when people tell you how they feel, you have to respect that.

And it's a weird, weird feeling to know that I have a son that's old enough to need these lessons. 

My mind is still sometimes stuck in early motherhood. My boys still love to curl up in my arms and greet me with affection when they wake up in the morning, and it can be hard to remember that they're not my squishy little mom-devoted toddlers anymore. They are reaching a point in their development where it's vitally important for them to know how to treat people in a way that goes beyond sharing a toy or taking turns on the playground. And it's odd how often I catch myself in my previously programmed ways when I've made such a point to infuse our household with acceptance and respect for women. I've got three future men under my roof that I hope will one day constructively contribute to the social fabric of our society in positive and loving ways. Regardless of who their life partners end up being.

So, I dunno, maybe I am an asshole. Maybe I'm unnecessarily neurotic in my need for the mornings to unfold a certain way. But maybe I'm also just a mom with a thread of feminism running through her, with no previous boy experience (our family only made girls prior to my kids' generation), who wants to make sure that above all, her sons become kind, respectful, and sympathetic people.

Jury's out.

What I Read In August & September

Since I got a bit behind in my book posting, I figured I'd wrap up the rest of my summer reading in one post. I wish I didn't do this to myself, haha....it's a lot harder to remember what I thought this far after the fact, but here we go, anyway!

Well Met by Jen DeLuca (4 stars)
This is a super cute story about a girl named Emily who visits a small town to take care of her injured sister and teenage niece. She ends up roped into volunteering at a Renaissance fair where she meets a group of people who quickly become her good friends. While I've never had any particular interest in the Ren-fair culture, it was really fun and quirky to see these characters get immersed in it while navigating some personal hurdles and developing relationships along the way. I loved the relationship between Emily and Simon - with all of it's real-world angst mixed with the magic of playing dress up and pretending to be other people during their shifts at the fair. It was a great, atmospheric, fun book and I can't wait to read the sequel!

The Little Book of Self-Care for Virgo by Constance Stellas (4 stars)
This was a quick and easy little book that made for a great morning coffee book. While the advice in this book was geared towards the Earthy, organized Virgo, there were a lot of good tips in here that are great for everyone. The author has a version for each sign of the zodiac, and I definitely recommend checking yours out! I picked up some great little tidbits from this book that I've utilized since reading it. 

Midnight Sun by Stephenie Meyer (3 stars)
Sigh, okay. hahaha...I feel like the Twihards of the late-2000's know exactly how I feel right now. This book is...so many things. When I read the Twilight series the first few times and the Midnight Sun manuscript was leaked to the internet, it was my favorite Twilight-y thing to read. I loved the insight into Edward's mind. I loved the behind-the-scenes details. It turns out - when you turn that into a gigantic brick of a novel....it gets old! Edward is painfully cerebral. You thought Bella was bad? Phssh. The guy thinks and re-thinks through everything 10 or 20 different ways, making for a verrrry slow and drawn-out reading experience. While I liked spending time with the characters again, getting through this book was almost painful. It took me SO. LONG. to finish. I really appreciated some of the back story of the other Cullen's lives and understanding how some of the events of Twilight unfolded from their perspectives, but it was really hard to take from Edward's point of view (which surprised me, because #TeamEdward). I didn't hate it, but it did not live up to my expectations. Will I still read the rumored two other Twilight novels Stephenie Meyer plans to publish? You bet.

Small Town Hearts by Lillie Vale (3 stars)
This book was cute, but it wasn't quite what I expected. The synopsis sounds like an atmospheric summer book with a sweet young love story, but it was instead an emotion-fueled coming of age. It was still good, but I expected some real summer vibes in a small beach town. Throw in the typical "none of these teens have parents and are all living alone in actual houses at 18" YA flaw, and I just had a hard time love-loving this book. I did enjoy the relationship between Babe and Levi, but for all the reasons I already mentioned (namely the lack of atmosphere) and the toxicity of Babe's long term friendships, it wasn't enough to push this one to 4 stars.

Head Over Heels by Hannah Orenstein (4 stars)
This was a BOTM pick I made this summer that I wasn't entirely sure I'd connect with. I know nothing about gymnastics - competitively or otherwise - but I was mourning the loss of our summer olympics this year and thought this would be an interesting vehicle for a romance. This book not only had the satisfaction of a work romance between Avery and Ryan, but of watching Avery build a successful life after having to start over from a low point. I really enjoyed all of the characters in this book, as well as the suspense of the gymnastics world and the excitement of Avery & Ryan's relationship. Loved it!

For Every One by Jason Reynolds (3 stars)
This is a very quick and easy read that I flew through in about 30 minutes. Poetic and inspirational, this little book is like a work of art in a book's body. I enjoyed and appreciated it, but I guess I didn't rate it any higher than this because I didn't walk away from it with any specific, profound feelings. 

Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech (5 stars)
At the start of this (weird, virtual) school year, there was some drama in our district. Kids at the middle and high school levels were left without classrooms until they could figure out how to staff things appropriately between virtual and hybrid students. While we waited for our middle school to begin, I planned a homeschool curriculum for my 6th grader so that if things didn't get resolved quickly enough, we could continue through the school year at home. He did eventually start virtual school, but for that first week I assigned him chapters from Walk Two Moons to read and then provided him with follow up questions. I read the chapters myself to come up with the questions, and found that I was really drawn into the story and wanted to know how it ended, so I kept on reading! I loved this book. It had such great symbolism and heart - plus a little bit of innocent mystery and intrigue mixed with the humor only Grandparents can provide. The characters were so incredibly loveable and silly, and despite some of the deeper themes in the book, it was a great read for my 11 year old and I loved it just as much as he did - if not more!

Summer in the Invisible City by Juliana Romano (3 stars)
This book was just...okay. There's a little bit of the YA relationship excitement, but it was more of a story about the main character's relationships with her parents. Sadie navigates the world through her camera lens, seeking approval as she goes. Realistic, sure, but it wasn't a story that really grabbed and held me.

What You Wish For by Katherine Center (4.5 stars)
This book was so exciting!! Since I was going to be a teacher in another life, stories about the inner workings of a school are extra entertaining to me. I loved that part of this book, but it was really the relationship between Sam & Duncan, as well as Sam's friendships with her school family that made this book so loveable. Following the story of having to replace a beloved principal while maintaining the integrity of the school and balancing an unrequited crush going through the highs and lows of life experience was so much fun. This was a book I felt anxious to get back to whenever I set it down. I loved it so much that I excitedly ordered more books by Katherine Center and I can't wait to get to them!

A Totally Awkward Love Story by Tom Ellen & Lucy Ivison (2 stars)
This was....blah. Another one whose synopsis fooled me! It had such a cute premise - a chance meeting at a party, a "what a small world" web of friendships and crushes. Though it felt like once the conflict was introduced, the rest of the story was just dragged along for the ride. It had promise, but many of the characters and the writing were just not for me.

Almost Everything by Anne Lamott (3 stars)
This was a great little book - full of inspiration and life experience - told with wisdom and poise. It sometimes felt a little too "long way around" for me to really grasp the point she was trying to make in the moment, so I didn't rate it higher than three stars - though some of her points and thoughts did stick with me. Many of the lines in this book made it into my "Quotes" file in my notes app. My favorite being - "So, writing. What a bitch." If you're looking for something that isn't too heavy but still makes you stop and think about some of the important intricacies of life, this is it.

Bringing Down the Duke by Evie Dunmore (3.5 stars)
This was another BOTM pick I made based on recommendations and the fact that it was part of a series. I love a good series! I don't know what I expected given the title, but it was more "period" than I expected. It was full of old world language and culture, and while I don't dislike that, those types of stories tend to take me longer to get through. I appreciated the themes of feminism and women's activism, and while I enjoyed most of the blossoming relationship between Annabelle and Sebastian, their power struggles sometimes got under my skin. Ultimately, I liked the way the story resolved and enjoyed the evolution of the Duke himself. It was good, just not my favorite type of story.

I still have so much catching up to do on books, it's kind of ridiculous. So, more soon (hopefully).

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RIP my phone. This is stupid, don't read it.

Sup.

My phone died last night. And I've been meaning to get my blog moving again. The two are not actually related, except that not having my usual outlet to the outside world in the middle of a pandemic with shitty pre-winter weather outside my door seems like a good time to invest in long form communication. 

I miss blogging. I do not miss formatting posts for friendly mass consumption, or being disappointed in the fact that no one ever reads it. But I mean...why would you? Who am I? Super-no one. It's okay.

2020 has done weird things to my brain. I used to have a thought or a feeling and I would write-write-write until it was all out and I had a deeper understanding of the noise in my head. Now? I just say "eh, who cares about that? No need to immortalize that," and I write nothing. Not for my blog. Not for my future self to stumble over in a journal. Not even for my heart to make sense of my head. And I'm not sure why that is. Maybe there's just too much. Maybe my perceptions of "big" and "problem" and "scary" have changed. Maybe I'm not even sure what I need anymore.

Okay, but hang on - I'm not depressed, or even totally lost. I'm just kind of....unattached? Reevaluating? I don't have words for this. It's new. It's just....different.

I mostly enjoy quarantine life. I won't get into all the reasons why, as there are plenty of posts here already discussing the introvert advantages and a slower pace, yadda yadda. But the part of it that is really, really tough is this change in identity I'm feeling. Since September, my days have consisted of two things. Educating my kids (or, assisting in their education) and keeping my house from falling apart since no one ever leaves it. 

During the first half of my day, I monitor my younger two kids through their school day. I help them get set up, clean up their work spaces, check repeatedly that they're on task, answer questions, say "focus" about 100 times, and shhhhh everyone over and over again. When they're on their zoom calls, engaged by their teachers, I tackle house tasks like dishes, cleaning counters, sweeping, washing sinks, cleaning appliances. Some days I have to go pick up groceries curbside, or do a material swap at one of their schools. And usually by lunch or just after, the intensity of what's asked of me is done.

The second half of my day is riddled with exhaustion. It's kind of shocking how draining it is to keep a 7 year old and a 9 year old on task for four hours. (The 11 year old is mostly self-sufficient, sweet little Capricorn that he is.) Plus, since no one ever leaves, whatever cleaning efforts I made during their school day are usually on their way to being un-done by dinner. So I shut myself in my room and gorge on shitty Christmas movies or exit my current reality through a book. Sometimes I work on a creative project, until it hits a snag and I feel like, "wtf am I even doing this for?"

And then the timer on my (now broken) phone goes off, telling me it's time to make dinner and do dishes so I can feed all of my dependents and clean up their messes again. Repeat repeat repeat.

I like and value my home life. I love (deeply) everyone that I live with and I wouldn't want to be stuck at home for hundreds of days with anyone else. But it still just feels a little bit like....what's with this revolving door of un-kept tasks that don't ever amount to anything? Why are we doing this? My first grader is learning how to read, sure. But the rest of it? Are we just passing time...cleaning the same things, following the same exhausting routine, working on projects that have no meaning to make it feel like this is all worth something? Is it worth something?

And that thought is always followed up with, "Hey, shut up. Not everything has to be FOR something or to accomplish something. You can just be and be happy about it, ya know."

To which I respond, "Yeah well, you clean the same dishes 100 times in one week and then talk to me about purpose."

And here we are.

Look, I know what this sounds like. A negative, existential crisis in process. It doesn't help that I'm in a bad mood. A part of my new blanket fell off this morning. A cat peed IN my favorite pair of boots overnight. I couldn't check the time when I woke up this morning because oh yeah - my phone is dead.

And my phone giving up on life isn't just about not having a phone. It's about losing thousands of pictures and feeling like one of my usual Christmas gifts (that a few people make clear is THE gift of the year every year) is no longer possible. It's the fact that I don't have the ability to catch the small moments of the Christmas season with my boys right as adolescence is racing towards them. It's not having my Starbucks app to order holiday drinks, not having my Hue app to set mood lighting through the house, not having my alarms to keep me on track through the day, not having my library app to listen to the Christmas book I just borrowed yesterday. It's all the little interruptions to the parts of this weird, sheltered, repetitive 2020 life that keep me feeling like I'm going somewhere - doing something - connecting to humanity. (Even as "first world problems" all of that is.) I'm left floating in the grey sludge of the same clutter, the same crumbs on the table, the same piles of school supplies. Blech.

So, anyway, that's where I'm at.

I swear it's not always this depressing. There have been some good moments. I'm just not quite in the mood to share them today.

And yeah, my leg is folded in half at my hip like a pretzel. It's my one physical talent. The rest of me is made of potato. Picture is from last year, because MY PHONE IS DEAD.